currently dying on the inside a bit because of this

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im watching a show right now and im trying to figure out how to make the
style and color different on a text but i havent figured it out yet which is frustrating

im listening to a REALLY bad song right now which sucks and i also have to do multiple assignments tonight and im super stressed about it
but its chill because im going to make apple cider after and watch the grinch which is like a reward to myself
my hair also isnt dry yet which sucks cus now i have to sleep with it wet which will make me super cold and i hate sleeping with a cold head
i still have to fdo my blogg post which will just taken me a minute to type but i didnt do much this week and weekend so it wont be very exciting and it'll
mostly be me talking about my emotions and what happened that caused me to be stressed
my coach is making it almost impossble for me not to quit club right now or at least take a break, hes the main source of my stress and anxiety right now and i dont know how to
tell him that without him getting mad at me becasue he gets mad at stuff that poeple cant control such as anxiety and stress.

i had stew or dinner and it was kind of good but not amazing, i saw a tik tok earlier and it was like whatever your
star sign is this is how our 2020 will and and mine was like and eating disorder and i was like uhhhh no thanks i like food then i was like this is kind of messed up like what if someone who was recovering from an ed saw this
and it just like crushed their hopes of fully recovering and it kind of made me sad. I also got called a dumb little girl by some old guy becasue i said that the way the word
manly is perceived is based off of the social expectancy that men should wear pants and shirts and ties or suits and not like feminine objects and things and not talk "girly" however no thing object place building anything
has an assigned gender, society just makes it so some things are only acceptable for one gender and if the other does it theyre looked odwn upon.

Im honestly using this project as a source to vent on
because i literally have nothing else to vent on which kind of sucks, i guess
i have my friends but i dont want the sympathy or their advice or anything i just want
someone to listen and then we just move past it like nothing happened
and on this i can do that becasue no one is going to see this except aj and aj is the bestie so
i dont mind. sometimes i stare at my wall and think about my future and i
genuinley cant picture it past maybe 40 and i dont see that as a bad thing, i
dont want to be old and a grandma and be all wrinkley and i never have. Ive never wanted my own kids or to get married and
everyone just compares me to my older sister moureen and say that she said these things too when
she was younger but like me and her are not the same person, ive been saying this stuff since i was
about 5 or 6. Whenever i played house with my friends i would be the dog or kid
becasue i didnt want to pretend to be married or have kids because i already knew
i didnt want it in my future so why pretend now that its
making me happy as i play those games. Its not that i dont want a strong relationship
and bond with someone when im older but i just dont want to be legally bound to someone.

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my favorite foods